and I thought I loved you then

Two years ago today, you proposed to me. I was absolutely shocked… I just didn’t expect it after only three months of dating. I was a little scared because I knew that saying yes was the biggest commitment I would ever make and that turning back was not an option.

But I also remembered that before I even came back home, a friend of mine asked if I thought I would date you. I said “I don’t know. I’m not even sure I have feelings for him yet. But I do know that if he asked me to marry him, I would say yes….because he is the most amazing man I know.”

And I was right… that was the best YES I’ve ever said.

One of the songs you had playing that night was Then by Brad Paisley. On that day, I didn’t think those words could be true. How could I EVER love you more? 

A lot of life has happened between then and now. We have been through many little rough patches. I’m sorry for the hormones, the depression, and the crazy that I’ve brought to the table. I’m sure there were times you wondered why you ever got yourself into this in the first place.

But here we are. I don’t think a single day of these two years has been very easy. For some reason, we were just bombarded with frustrations from the beginning. Yet, through all of it, never once did I wonder if we were going to last. Your steadfast love for me, whether I was being loveable or not, has been our glue.

I don’t know what the future holds. It feels like life has constantly been changing for us… it’s been a whirlwind. I don’t know what God has been trying to teach us, but I know that we’ve been sharpened in many ways, by life and by each other.

When you knelt on the ground in front of me, I truly didn’t think I could ever feel more strongly about you than I did right then. But I’ve learned a new meaning of love.

My heart no longer pounds when you walk in the room, I just stop searching for you and feel safe knowing you are with me. My insides no longer tremble when you touch me, I just melt in your arms feeling like there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

Love is not thrills and chills and ecstasy.

That’s infatuation.

Love is safety, commitment, and intimacy.

I didn’t know that then.

I’ve learned what it means to selflessly love another human, and I didn’t know how to do that when I married you. I don’t always do it perfectly, but I’ve figured out what loving someone actually means. Thank you for being beside me as we learned together.

Thank you for holding my hand every time I’ve been in a hospital bed, for serving me when I was being a hormonal brat, & for taking care of me and Sam when you don’t have much energy left to even take care of yourself. You are a tremendous human being and I’m so thankful that God gave you to me.

I love you. 

Now you’re my whole life, now you’re my whole world. I just can’t believe the way I feel about you Niel. We’ll look back someday at this moment that we’re in, and I’ll look at you and say… and I thought I loved you then

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