Raising kids that turn into respectful, well adjusted adults is any parent’s dream. While I am no parenting expert, and still read ALL the parenting books I can get my hands on, I have learned a lot of things to NOT do. And I will say that I have seen improvement in my kids and their ability to obey and respond respectfully when I am consistent and intentional.

There are three main (general) groups of parenting styles. Authoritarian, Authoritative and Permissive. Most people can agree that Authoritarian (my way or the high way) isn’t necessarily the most loving type of parenting. Permissive parenting is generally uninvolved and lazy, which we all know isn’t ideal for any child. But how do we parent in an Authoritative way? What do we do to show our kids that we are in charge, but we love them and want to be involved with their feelings and processes through it all?

Regardless of whether you are a gentle parent, a strict parent, or somewhere in between, the same things goes for us all. There is one REALLY important thing that absolutely must be present in your household.

Your Kids Need Consistency

Yes, it sounds amazing. But it’s so hard. All moms know how hard this is. We can be consistent up until we are plumb worn out and just can’t fight back anymore, and then we slip. And our kids pay attention. They take advantage of it.

Another reason we can get lazy with our consistency is when we aren’t sure how we feel about things ourselves. When we don’t know how strongly we feel about something, then we can waver and our kids pick up on our lack of confidence very quickly. So here are some things I have learned on my journey of trying to stay consistent with my kids.

Don’t make a statement, decision or rule until you are 100% sure about it.

Boy, am I terrible at this one. I am an external processor. I will immediately respond when my kids ask me a question and waffle around about my choice. It’s very clear that they utilize my indecisiveness against me. The best response when your kids ask you about something and you aren’t sure is to say “Let me think about it.” Or “Give me a few minutes to decide.” Then? You do not allow them to pester you over it. When your children see that their opinion isn’t going to sway you, and that you will make a confident decision, they are much more likely to abide by it without pushing you.

Once you decide something, stick to it: no matter what.

Obviously, there may be extenuating circumstances. But for the most part, when you make a decision as a mother, you need to abide by it. Your children need to see that you are true to your word and that you believe in your own authority. If they sense that you don’t feel in charge, or that you are swayed by their whining or debating, they will break you down and learn how to manipulate you.

Let them have partial control over situations whenever possible.

The less often you make statements, rules or decisions, the easier it will be to have confidence when you do make decisions. Save the firm answers for things that really matter. Giving your children a little bit of autonomy when appropriate is healthy and good for their growth, but it needs to be in a controlled way that is age appropriate. Some examples of giving partial control would be:

“Mom, can I watch tv?” “No. Not right now. You can go play in the back yard or you can play in your room. Which would you prefer?”

Or…

“Mom, can I watch tv?” “Yes, that’s fine. Would you like to watch Daniel Tiger or Curious George?”

These scenarios show your child that you are the one in charge, but you care about their feelings and opinions.

Expect respect from your children.

In our home, if our children choose to disrespect us by talking back, arguing, whining, or flat out disobeying, there are consequences. Each situation has it’s own consequence but disrespect will not be tolerated. If they choose to disrespect another adult they will be expected to call them or apologize in person in addition to a consequence.

We have a not tolerance policy for disrespect of authority. It stays consistent and they know it is not allowed. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, but the hope is that they will never think it is acceptable behavior or that they deserve to act that way.

Why is our consistency so important to raising respectful kids?

When they see that we mean what we say and we follow through, kids learn that they can trust and respect us. They learn that adults are in charge and have to be listened to. If we allow children to get their own way if they whine or nag us enough, we teach them that they just have to talk back or argue enough and adults will give in.

While this is bad enough for a child, those children will eventually become adults and the lessons we teach them will translate into their adult behavior. A child who believes that adults are to be respected becomes an employee who naturally respects his employer, a married person who naturally respects their spouse, a human who respects the governing authorities.

This is what we want to see in our children as adults, so it has to be the worldview we instill in them. If we do not start in childhood, we risk raising adults who manipulate, debate, disrespect and disobey those put in authority over them. We all have authority over us. We must teach our kids that authorities are to be respected and obeyed now so they can become honorable and mature adults that make the world a better place.